Quarter-Century Life Crisis

What a trying few days it's been. I set off on this jobless journey with the hope that all those mundain tasks... The ones you don't even want to look at, let alone think about after a long day at work, would finally be put to rest. Health was a consideration as well. For those that don't know... I'm currently in the process of finding the "right combination" of anti-depressants and mood-stabilizers to get me through a day. Seeing not only a psychologist (whom I lovingly refer to as My Guru), a psychiatrist (you know, to get the goods), and now a neurologist to try and straighten out why the eff I'm receiving RLS symptoms at 25 years of age.

Instead of it being a vacation of the mind, I am being whipped from office to office, not to mention experiencing withdrawal symptoms I never thought the human body was capable of.

And I'm sad to say that instead of it being this wonderful, "voluntary" vacation - it's become something I "needed" more than I knew. Here I am, income-less, paying $50 co-pays and time will only tell which eeg's and emg's and mri's won't be covered by my insurance. I'm more expensive unemployed than I was employed! (Matt will vouch for that).

It's really unusual for me to be so open about my health issues. Specifically my mental health issues. I (A) don't for a second want to defend what I know to be out of my hands to all the skeptics out there. I'm very well aware of what my life is like without meds. And my choice has obviously been made. And (B) all of this 'mental' crap is not something one can exactly be proud of. I never asked to be over-anxious or regularly irritable, or social-phobic. I certainly never asked to be put on this farris wheel of anti-depressant meds, only to find that the effects soon wain and I'm left back at square one.

For those that don't suffer from an illness, trust that I am tired of this revolving door. I'm exhausted, really. And I have only been fighting the good fight for seven months now. ...My family history tells me that this is going to be a life-long battle. And all the horrid forums I read tell me that not a single part of it will be easy.

I would like to wake up and roll out of bed without feeling like it'd take a forklift to get me to move. I want to drive from Point A to Point B without a vein popping out of my right temple lobe and wishing I owned a gun for that one asshole that decided he "owned the road". I want to react to Matt's apathy without taking it personally. I want it to take more than a second for me to go from euphorically happy to cynical and angry. I want I want I want right?

So this "vacation"... This haitus from adulthood. It' s been nice... But it would take some sort of super power I don't possess to have gone through this while employed. Somehow the stars aligned in my favor and I can experience my ups and downs in the comfort and privacy of my own home. I could do it without anyone knowing as well... But I'm learning to let go of the things I can't control, and that includes not being ashamed of this illness.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for those who might come across this battlefield one day... But all I can conjure up is "hold on tight".

Back to the Drawing Board

Sooo... I'm unemployed now. Did I mention that? ...Yeah, didn't think so.

My last day with Richmond American was on June 16th. Still haven't received my severance, but that is just part of what's become an interesting couple of weeks. It's quite the story! Complete with meds and jobless-ness and Napa trips. Yes yes, quite the story indeed. But I shall not bore you with too many details. :)

I just started doing the serious type of job hunting today. You know, the kind of job hunting where you actually save the posts you find interesting, instead of clicking off to fark and forgetting what it means to (as they call it) "make a living"... I found a few lucky prospects. I'll let you know how they turn out.

Napa was awesome! Picture 10 girls let loose in the vineyards! (I kid you not) ....The trip was affordable, since we were lucky enough to stay the night at Audrey's mom's house... But I did splurge on a $35 half-bottle of the most delicious cabernet concoction to have ever passed these lips (from St. Supery). We'll be saving that for a special occasion. I also acquired a boyfriend at St. Supery. His name was Chalo - and yes, a name like that can't not come with an accent, right? Anyway, it turns out that boyfriends in Napa come with perks, after paying for four tastings and receiving closer to 12. .....Don't worry though. I am still a happily married woman and Matt was the first (or 11th?) to hear about my extramarital affair with the wine-pourer named Chalo.

And last, I'm writing this post after a full day of debilitating withdrawal symptoms. I'm currently coming off my anti-depressant meds... Picture an electric shock machine hooked up to your insides... I like to call them "short circuits". And when I was actually on the medication, these were the medication's cute little way of saying "Hey! You forgot to take me!"... Now that I'm titrating down/off, these short circuits have lost all cute-ness and have become more frequent and frankly more exhausting! People are saying that maybe I came off the medication too fast, to which I respond - "You think?!"... They proceed to encourage me to continue with the smaller quantities, but if you think for a second that I'm putting that crap back in my system - then I contend you're the crazy one. Not me.

So there's my few weeks in a nutshell/wine bottle/capsule. And I already feel better just telling you about it. So thanks for listening. ...More to come.

xoxo

No Less Than the Trees and the Stars...

"You are a child of the universe.
No less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

~ Les Crane

(art by Pablo Picasso)

Still Lost....

It doesn't take much. Just a simple thought...
And the sadness washes over me like a tidal wave.

There's this knot in my chest. My heart physically hurts.
Just in knowing that I've lost you. Just in knowing that you're gone.

I am so thankful that you're no longer suffering.
That you're resting. That you're at peace.
I am so thankful that I knew you at all.

I'm just still so caught off guard by the pain.
And the tears won't stop. They won't go away.
this knot in my chest. These thoughts in my head.

I miss you. I mourn my loss.... My largest to date.

I just hope that my love transcends life's boundaries.
And I hope you're watching over me.

I hope that some day my heart will heal.
And that I can carry your memory without this knot.

Clearest Vision...

"The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding go out to meet it."

~ Thucydides

(photo by Charles Le)

I Lost Her

Today was something I had been expecting for some time.

Daily preparing... mentally... emotionally...
But there's nothing that can prepare a person for this loss.
Nothing in this world that can replace what you made real for me.

Dreams from my childhood have been drifting back to me....
Boating and floating alligators. Full moons and blond hair. Bowls of sprinkles and checkerboard cakes. Half-finished doll houses. Haunted stories in your haunted voice.

In those days I was too naive to know that time is fleeting.
That it would soon become a memory on a faded photograph.

...You knew from the first moment we met exactly what you wanted me to be.
And you were never shy about expressing exactly what that was......
I only hope I made you proud. I only hope that I lived up to what you were so sure I could be.

And I miss you now. I missed you before this morning. Trying desperately to ready myself for what would surely come. But the emptiness that came today came so fast and so hard.

And I've cried for you, Memaw. I've cried for the pain you've endured, and I've cried for the strength you've demonstrated... For the battles you've fought. You've fought so many. I only hope to acquire an ounce of your bravery. I only hope to inherit a portion of the beauty your soul possessed.

Thank you for all of the cookies that took you days to bake, only to box them up and ship them to three spoiled, unassuming kids every single year. Thank you for your stories from your childhood, about frog houses and doodle bugs. Thank you for your laugh. It's one sound I will remember as so joy-filled and uninhibited.

Thank you for your humor in the hard years... For keeping your head up when we know that all you wanted to do was crumble. Thank you for always being there for me and for believing in me and for fighting to stay here with me.

Last weekend, I told you that the word "love" will simply never be enough. ...You need to know that you have a piece of me. A piece that is yours and will always be only yours.

You are My Memaw. You are more to me than you could ever understand. And I will miss you. I will miss you so much. But my promise to you is this: You will live on in my heart and in my stories. And my kids and their kids will know who their Memaw is too.

I know you're in a better place. You're with your mom, you're with your granddad, and you're with all of those you loved that went before you. .............But Memaw, just know - you're still with me too.

In loving memory....

Thel Belle Day!!

Here's to the big 3, Pretty Girl!!

It just might have been worth it....

OK... So really, honestly... I have NEVER been as spiteful toward another person before in my life. So spiteful, in fact, that there were times in this past year where I didn't recognize myself. But I am a firm believer in the fact that truth will prevail, and lucky for us, today it did.

This morning we won a judgment against our ex-landlord (see my previous blog for the full story). It was ruled that she has to pay us $900 in pro-rated rent, and $600 in security deposits.

All in all, it wasn't so much the money that made my day. It was the look on her face. And the satisfaction in knowing that we ruined her day, at very least.... if not her month. :)

So yay for us!

...Stay tuned for the appeal. For it will surely come.