I Lost Her

Today was something I had been expecting for some time.

Daily preparing... mentally... emotionally...
But there's nothing that can prepare a person for this loss.
Nothing in this world that can replace what you made real for me.

Dreams from my childhood have been drifting back to me....
Boating and floating alligators. Full moons and blond hair. Bowls of sprinkles and checkerboard cakes. Half-finished doll houses. Haunted stories in your haunted voice.

In those days I was too naive to know that time is fleeting.
That it would soon become a memory on a faded photograph.

...You knew from the first moment we met exactly what you wanted me to be.
And you were never shy about expressing exactly what that was......
I only hope I made you proud. I only hope that I lived up to what you were so sure I could be.

And I miss you now. I missed you before this morning. Trying desperately to ready myself for what would surely come. But the emptiness that came today came so fast and so hard.

And I've cried for you, Memaw. I've cried for the pain you've endured, and I've cried for the strength you've demonstrated... For the battles you've fought. You've fought so many. I only hope to acquire an ounce of your bravery. I only hope to inherit a portion of the beauty your soul possessed.

Thank you for all of the cookies that took you days to bake, only to box them up and ship them to three spoiled, unassuming kids every single year. Thank you for your stories from your childhood, about frog houses and doodle bugs. Thank you for your laugh. It's one sound I will remember as so joy-filled and uninhibited.

Thank you for your humor in the hard years... For keeping your head up when we know that all you wanted to do was crumble. Thank you for always being there for me and for believing in me and for fighting to stay here with me.

Last weekend, I told you that the word "love" will simply never be enough. ...You need to know that you have a piece of me. A piece that is yours and will always be only yours.

You are My Memaw. You are more to me than you could ever understand. And I will miss you. I will miss you so much. But my promise to you is this: You will live on in my heart and in my stories. And my kids and their kids will know who their Memaw is too.

I know you're in a better place. You're with your mom, you're with your granddad, and you're with all of those you loved that went before you. .............But Memaw, just know - you're still with me too.

In loving memory....