San Francisco....

Own Yourself

"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

(Art by Suleiman Mansour)

Plight of an Idealist

I had a very interesting day today because the things I thought were buried and gone are very alive and kicking.

I had a meeting with my manager to talk about my quarterly start goals. Or, in other words, how many students I can con into paying outrageous tuition fees... (I'm not saying that the high tuition fees aren't warranted, I'm just saying that they aren't that warranted.)

Anyway, come to find out, despite the fact that I was on leave for 13 days (not including 5 sick days leading up to surgery), my start goals weren't going to be changing. ...Yep, what was required of me then is still required of me now - just with 3 less weeks to complete it in. And the kicker: If I would have been gone for 14 consecutive days, it would be an entirely different story. An entirely BIG difference in story.

In this unjust situation meeting, as compared to the last, my manager had the intelligence to pull out the policy book. What he did not have the intelligence for was attempting to compare the last situation with the present.

So the first time he brought it up - I rebuffed... It's water under the bridge at this point, no?

...No.

So he brought it up a second time, "This situation is not unlike the last where I was required to inform you of company policy".

What I can recall saying:

"Well, actually it is. Because the last time you pulled me into your office to inform me of company policy, you made me cry. And then while I was crying, you continued to drill in the fact that the company would be taking 4 of my 12 total days off for the year because I was having surgery. You didn't pull out a rule book and you decided to present company policy while there was a lobby full of people waiting to be met a with smiling face.

"You and I both know I was the one to say something. ...What I had to say had nothing to do with you as a person, but with the way your presented yourself as a manager. I did go to HR because of that day I cried in your office, but also because I found your management style to be forceful and overbearing and not constructive."

I really had to remind myself NOT to apologize. (It follows me around like a rain cloud, but for some reason I carry guilt even in situations where it doesn't and shouldn't apply.) ...I'm not sorry for calling HR and I'm not sorry he got called on all the corrupt antics he was pulling, but my brain would resort to apologizing anyway. Whether it be to avoid awkward silence, or because it would make the situation less volatile. ...But I have to say, and with MUCH pride, I held my ground and didn't say sorry once.

He, on the other hand, did apologize, surprisingly enough. And it seemed sincere. And that's all fine and great and hopefully he got what he wanted off his chest... But even after being the recipient of an apology from someone who likely is physically pained by it, I didn't walk away feeling good. A couple posts back, I wrote that to feel good about the situation, he'd need to be fired, but the truth is - none of this felt good. As nice as it was, the apology didn't change anything for me.

What would have made this situation feel good and feel okay, would be if it never happened at all. What would feel good is knowing and trusting that the people in authoritative positions are there because they are deserving of it. ...See title.

Ruins

It's Friday. And not just any Friday - it's the Friday kicking off a well-needed 3-day weekend.

I just found out yesterday that Matt's band - The Ruin - got the green light to play for KWOD 106.5's Sounds of Sac showcase in a few weeks!! It's held in Folsom and features a few local bands... Bands that might potentially get radio play if Hawk, the guy in charge, so chooses. They have been trying to get this show for MONTHS. ...Great news, right??

Well it was until we pulled up KWOD.net's site last night to check out the Sounds of Sac page and instead found a lengthy eulogy featuring none other than the only radio station in the Sacramento Area worth listening to.

I am seriously looking into HD radio now. Everything else (that's free) seems to be a waste of time or is completely annoying.

So what about The Ruin's show? ...We don't know yet. Hawk is now with the station that has taken over (an all-90's format... because that is going to be so much more compelling than a station dedicated to alternative music). So there is a possibility... Maybe even a probability. Fingers are crossed.

If the show is a go, this will be The Ruin's biggest venue to date. Maybe not in size, but definitely in exposure! ...Either way, any live show where I get to watch my husband be a rockstar for a couple of hours is alright with me.

THE RUIN

Photography by Charles Le

Center of Attention. Ick.

Quite the drama at work for the last week. As well as the week before, while I was gone. Little did I know, while I sat at home hopped up on pain pills, that the controversy circulating the office started with me.

Yes, yes. I was the meat of the conversation for at least a day (or five) while on leave. ...Not a place I like to find myself, mind you.

When I returned, I was relaxed and oblivious and ready to work. With a smile, even! But when I started to ask what I had missed, everyone seemed to have the same answer: "A lot" with no explanation.

Now, I should mention that in the midst of my request for a leave of absence, I was, of course, in touch with corporate HR. And when it came down to them asking why I wasn't asking my manager the questions I was asking them... the floodgates opened.

Without naming names (which they did ask me to do), I proceeded to spill what I had observed since I had been with the company. Things like how my boss plays favorites, and was once seen spending time with his most favorite in his car for ten minutes during work hours. Alone. ...I mentioned the "targets" of the office... The people toward whom my boss takes his asshole-dom to another level. And if you couldn't have guessed, these "targets" just so happen to be men. ...I spoke of the inconsistency in lead distribution, and how the front desk chick was ordered to forward every 6 out of 10 call-ins to - you guessed it - his most favorite. (Call-ins are like gold in my business.) ...I mentioned his undiagnosed bipolar disorder... How one minute he's walking around all smiles, throwing candy on peoples' desks and the next he's standing over some poor sap, UN-constructively critiquing them in one ear, while their other ear was to the phone, speaking with potential applicants. ...Overall, I let HR know that the reason I did not go to my boss to ask questions about my benefits is because I didn't feel like I could trust his answer. That man has no one's best interest in mind but his own.

The HR dude said that there were some things he would be needing to look into. That - I expected. What I didn't expect was for there to be a full-on investigation spearheaded by the Director of our branch. .....At least I didn't expect it so soon.

Apparently, while I was away, the Director pulled a number of reps and people from academics, from reception, from the registrar, as well as teaching faculty in and interviewed each of them.

I suppose I should feel lucky and maybe even vindicated... But I don't.

Lucky because I ended up having such an enormous amount of support. There wasn't one person who didn't back up my testimony. In fact, more corrupt events were disrobed (pardon the pun), such as late-night, closed office-door sessions with his favorite rep and numerous bootleg liquor transactions made in the parking lot with other reps.

And vindicated because the guy that I couldn't stop writing on my blog, complaining about has now been hit with a shit-storm. Courtesy of me.

But I'm not lucky that I was backed up. The writing was on the wall for this guy... And he lead such a intimidating operation, that no one was willing to step up and say something. All it took was one phone call, and every truth and every fact about his unethical actions emerged. Luck didn't place him in that car or buy those booz. He did it to himself. ...If I didn't have a case, this would have fallen away never even started.

And I'm not vindicated because although the boss man has emerged as a newer and nicer version of himself (temporarily, I'm sure), HE'S STILL EMPLOYED. Perhaps it's the pessimist in me, but I'm expecting his little Eddie Haskell act to end the moment the investigation does. He doesn't have it in him to keep this up forever. I know better.

And as for me? What have I been keeping myself busy with while the rep room sky is falling? Well, let's just say you've probably never seen me work so hard. I'm not stupid.

When I was covering my past week in drama with my guru a few days ago, he made a very interesting connection with situations such as this and me: that I refuse to be a victim. ...And I really can't argue.

Take my boss from a few years back... My exit interview wasn't in her favor. In fact, it was the exact opposite. Times ten. And I can't definitively prove that her termination 6 months later had anything to do with me... But one can speculate.

And take my ex-landlord aka FuckFace: She imposed on us probably the most stressful 4 months of our lives by trying to sell her house out from underneath our lease and allowing strangers in and out at any given point, whether we were home or not. To seal the deal, she kept not only the rent money for the month we moved out (despite the fact that we were out on the 7th), but she kept our entire security and pet deposit. ....It took us over a year, but we walked away from the court preceedings victorious. (And no, we still haven't seen a dime).

And now there's this guy.

You might think I have a problem with authority. ...That these crusades I embark on are just the workings of a disgruntled employee/tenant. But my problem is not with heirarchy so much as it is with corruption within the heirarchy.

It's those who believe they're above the law, or that take power trips so massive it makes my head spin. It's those who seek out management as a way to take out all the anger and agression they have built up from their childhood, where they were picked on and disrespected.

Well I have news for all these unecessarily rude and dispicable middle-managers: We were all picked on and disrespected. GET OVER IT.

It's not like it was elective...

So I can honestly say that I'm 99% back to my normal self! I still have the liquid bandages and my incisions haven't fully healed, but I'm no longer in constant pain! And considering the fact that I lost a digestive organ - my digestive tract seems to have recovered pretty quickly.

I finally get to enjoy the days I have off! The original plan was for me to head back to work today, but on Friday, I didn't feel well enough and called in sick.

I have yet to mention what was required from me at work to go on this lovely, little (involuntary) leave of absence: They forced me to exhaust all of my paid hours... Meaning they made me use ALL of the vacation time and sick time I had saved up. Company policy. Regardless of whether I was going to go on short-term disability or not. So I opted for disability... Which only starts a week after your first day off, just in case I wasn't feeling as well as I expected to.

So I'm back to zero in paid time off... And my boss was so kind to point out that the approved time off I had in October (for Matt and my belated 2nd Anniversary), wasn't necessarily approved any longer due to the lack of paid hours I will have accrued. Unpaid days off are apparently NOT allowed. ....Now, is it me? Or this policy not cut-throat? It's like they swindled me out of my vacation time so they can be sure not to lose the man hours. When I asked HR why I would be forced to give up vacation hours for an INVOLUNTARY surgery, she responded with, "If you didn't, you'd get more time off than your coworkers." ...."Well my coworkers get to keep all of their organs, don't they?!!"

Tangent.

My point is, now that I'm feeling a bit better... I may just take a day or two. Or three. After all, my doctor's note doesn't clear me until Friday. And I have some vacation time I'd like to swindle back.

Loved

Flowers always make me feel better...



(Thank You Mom!! And Thank You, Brown fam!!)

Playing Catch-Up

It's been exactly a week since my surgery. And really, a lots gone down since then. To catch you up...

My surgery was scheduled for 9am last Friday. They got me all ready, put the IV in my arm. But apparently the guy before me had the "Gallbladder from Hell" (no joke, that's what the nurse called it), and I didn't actually get wheeled into the OR until 2 hours later. Needless to say, I was a bit anxious.

Once the anesthesia wore off, I counted four small incisions on my belly. What they don't tell you is that when you wake up to from surgery, you can expect to have shoulder and neck pain due to the air they pump inside of you for room to operate. Let's just say, dilaudid was my friend.

In addition to dilaudid, they had given me two Norco pills, which are basically extra-strength Vicodin. ...And I knew in the past that Vicodin had a tendency to make me itch, but the only other option was Darvocet and Darvocet gives me really bad headaches. Itching or a massive headache? I chose the latter. ...I was already itching before I left the hospital and was given intraveneous Benadryl (that did absolutely nothing for me). When I got home, I was taking them every 4 hours on the hour and by 6pm my face was bright red from all of the scratching. After leaving the on-call doctor a message with no response, Matt drove me to Urgent Care. By then the itching had subsided a bit, in part because I was holding a wet washcloth to my face nonstop, but also because the medication was wearing off... Which meant the meds were wearing off. And there I was, 8 hours after surgery, walking around Walgreens, waiting for my new prescription to be filled. Can you tell I'm new at this?

So fast forward, past all the pain and laying in bed and eating as little as possible, and my mom was in town on Monday. She immediately started to grocery shop and cook. And clean. And do laundry. And I can never just take gifts gracefully... I always seem to find some kind of guilt to have over it. The truth was, I was in no position to be walking around... And though the pain killers led me to believe I was feeling better, the opposite would become very evident. I figured I would be up and about at least by Wednesday. And that's when the girl's week of shopping and lunch and salons would begin! But it seemed by 2pm every day, I just hit a wall. We did manage to fit lunch in on Thursday with Kristy, and before her flight today, I was able to treat her to a mani/pedi for Mother's Day. We now have a fridge FULL of delicious leftovers and some very neatly folded laundry.

In terms of people taking care of me, I feel like I had the A-Team, with a nice handoff by Matt to Mom on Monday when he picked her up, and Tuesday when he went back to work. A girl can only be so lucky.

And here I sit on my beloved recliner, feeling worlds better than I did a few days ago... But still with some more healing to go. My thought was that I'd be back to normal by now and head back to work on Monday... But it hasn't exactly worked out that way. Being on disability, I have the option of taking a few extra days off. And being that I can't sustain an 8-hour day of nothingness, I certainly couldn't sustain an 8-hour day of work.

Looks like it's just me and the soaps.