Plight of an Idealist

I had a very interesting day today because the things I thought were buried and gone are very alive and kicking.

I had a meeting with my manager to talk about my quarterly start goals. Or, in other words, how many students I can con into paying outrageous tuition fees... (I'm not saying that the high tuition fees aren't warranted, I'm just saying that they aren't that warranted.)

Anyway, come to find out, despite the fact that I was on leave for 13 days (not including 5 sick days leading up to surgery), my start goals weren't going to be changing. ...Yep, what was required of me then is still required of me now - just with 3 less weeks to complete it in. And the kicker: If I would have been gone for 14 consecutive days, it would be an entirely different story. An entirely BIG difference in story.

In this unjust situation meeting, as compared to the last, my manager had the intelligence to pull out the policy book. What he did not have the intelligence for was attempting to compare the last situation with the present.

So the first time he brought it up - I rebuffed... It's water under the bridge at this point, no?

...No.

So he brought it up a second time, "This situation is not unlike the last where I was required to inform you of company policy".

What I can recall saying:

"Well, actually it is. Because the last time you pulled me into your office to inform me of company policy, you made me cry. And then while I was crying, you continued to drill in the fact that the company would be taking 4 of my 12 total days off for the year because I was having surgery. You didn't pull out a rule book and you decided to present company policy while there was a lobby full of people waiting to be met a with smiling face.

"You and I both know I was the one to say something. ...What I had to say had nothing to do with you as a person, but with the way your presented yourself as a manager. I did go to HR because of that day I cried in your office, but also because I found your management style to be forceful and overbearing and not constructive."

I really had to remind myself NOT to apologize. (It follows me around like a rain cloud, but for some reason I carry guilt even in situations where it doesn't and shouldn't apply.) ...I'm not sorry for calling HR and I'm not sorry he got called on all the corrupt antics he was pulling, but my brain would resort to apologizing anyway. Whether it be to avoid awkward silence, or because it would make the situation less volatile. ...But I have to say, and with MUCH pride, I held my ground and didn't say sorry once.

He, on the other hand, did apologize, surprisingly enough. And it seemed sincere. And that's all fine and great and hopefully he got what he wanted off his chest... But even after being the recipient of an apology from someone who likely is physically pained by it, I didn't walk away feeling good. A couple posts back, I wrote that to feel good about the situation, he'd need to be fired, but the truth is - none of this felt good. As nice as it was, the apology didn't change anything for me.

What would have made this situation feel good and feel okay, would be if it never happened at all. What would feel good is knowing and trusting that the people in authoritative positions are there because they are deserving of it. ...See title.