Doom & Gloom

"DOOM IS THE NEW HOPE"... I saw this on a bumper sticker today and its poignancy struck me. Not only can I appreciate the unabashed cynicism, but I think its the indifference that really drew me in.

I'm not posting this in support of all the 'doomsayers' of the world... I just saw its entertaining, albeit dark, comedic qualities and thought I'd pass it on.

In Other Words ~ Just Breathe

"Don't forget that everything you deal with is only one thing and nothing else."

~ Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist

(photo by Lucy)

Shaddap!!

But seriously... How do you feel about Aerosmith? They've been on my nerves for the past few years....

PS Cyanide and Happiness ~ By and large, my FAVORITE comic. Get lost for hours HERE.

HOLY MOLY

I was driving home from my doctor's appointment, listening to my favorite rock station when the dj announced that a 5.8 earthquake had just hit the Los Angeles area! He said they were worried about the skyscrapers downtown.... AND THAT THE EARTHQUAKE WAS CENTERED IN CHINO HILLS!

(For those that don't know ~ Chino Hills is my home town)... That just so happens to have an enormous fault line down the center of it.

It freaked me out! A 5.8 is nothing to scoff at.

I finally got ahold of my dad (phone lines were down), and he is ok!... Phew! (Don't worry, my mom is out of town =D)

**Update: OK - they are now calling it a 5.4 and according to bloomberg.com, "As of 12:03 p.m. local time, 16 aftershocks had been recorded, ranging from 1.4 to 3.8 in magnitude, according to the USGS Web site." They also included an interesting tid bit from a USGS study issued in April:

"The study found that California will almost certainly be hit within 30 years by an earthquake as strong as the 6.7-magnitude temblor that struck the Northridge area of Los Angeles in 1994, killing 60 people, leaving 20,000 homeless and damaging 40,000 buildings."

...Scary. :(

My Version of FIFO

It's official! I have finally sold off enough of my Coach collection to purchase a new bag! I ebayed two of my older bags after seeing this one... (You know, once I realized its price tag and my current lack of an income didn't exactly mesh...) Look at me all wheeling and dealing!

Isn't she pretty? I ordered her online... So it'll be a few days before we get truly acquainted.

Meet Fiona...

Yes! It's true! I name my trees. And my plants, for that matter.

Fiona is (I'm almost sure) a Redbud and she is one of two trees planted in our front yard by the builder. I'm not sure I would have selected Fiona had it been my choice... But she's growing on me. She reminds me of cotton candy. And she's pink.

Life Stands Explained

"When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained."

~ Mark Twain

(art by Salvador Dali, Three Sphinxes of Bikini)

I challenge you.....

....to click HERE and not cry. Or is it just me that can't seem to control her emotions?

Irons in the Fire

So I had another insomniatic night last night. I just totally invented a word. Shakespeare would be jealous. ...I suppose after 4 hours asleep I'm allowed to make words up.

I was productive though. I just hope the recruiters I was writing to don't notice the 3:45am time stamp.

That HP job didn't work out. Not only did it not work - it did not work to the point that I didn't even get a foot in the door. You might think if an unrealistic goal isn't attained, that I wouldn't be swayed. You might think I'd be logical about the matter and understand that I had well under the amount of experience they were seeking, that I didn't have experience in the industry, and that the unemployment rate is at 5% now and that there's a lot of competition out there. Yes, well, I might of thought those things too until I found myself sobbing on a car ride home, on the phone with Matt. I guess rejection never tastes good. Especially when you happen to be a die-hard idealist.

So last night (...or early this morning) I sent my cover letter and application to a placement agency. The job is basically for a Marketing Coordinator that would be responsible for [insert my last job description here]. So hopefully they find that appealing.

I also contacted a PR firm in Roseville that I had sent my resume to back in April. I got a quick response from the guy and he said he'd like to reconnect on August 3.

I have my resume into my mom's coworker for a virtual events planning (slash work-from-home) position with American Express for about a week now.

Also, Bec mentioned the marketing department at the law firm she is working for is down one, and was nice enough to ask HR about hiring. They are considering restaffing, and my pure intention is to forward my resume to this HR lady after I finish with this rant.

All of the above sound like they could be an interesting career, so I'm excited (without being too hopeful) about what will unfold in the coming week.... And as always ~ I'll keep ya posted.

Be Kind to Your Neighbors. Please.

So our ex-landlord was granted a continuance on the appeals case she filed against us. Looks like this crap is going to drag on for another two months. Or longer. If she can help it. I take comfort in knowing that in one form or another, we won't walk away empty-handed. And I think that in itself, is the best revenge.

I've had quite flurry of doctor's appointments in the past few days. Between the dentist, two radiologists, a neurologist, and a psychologist... I'd say I have just about every angle covered. I'm having a few tests taken (my MRI is scheduled next week), to find out what's causing my legs to feel like they're dying from the inside. My neurologist jumped pretty quickly to the conclusion that I was too young to have RLS, and that it must be some kind of seizure disorder. Don't be alarmed, because I'm really not. I think she just wanted to use her fancy machines on me.

They are finally completing construction behind us. So hammers and a loud mexican radio station wake me up every morning. Which is good, I suppose, because it got me out of my sleeping-in habit. But in all seriousness, the houses behind us are CLOSE. And they're BIG. We were lucky to get another one-story, but the two-story will definitely be an interesting adjustment.

Here's the two story without the second story. And yes, it's as if these construction workers can stare directly into my living room.

Here's the VERY close one-story. My hopes are high that these people will be congenial, at the very least.

PS That dirt you see? That is what's left of our grass. Sad, no? ...And that tree you see? It's our first! Matt's dad gave it to us. A Chinese Mulberry named Dyer in honor of our giftor (it's his middle name). And on Monday I'm heading down to the City to pick up ANOTHER tree. For free! The City is giving it to us... And I'm not sure what its name will be yet....................

Will I Find It?

"The only Zen you find on the tops of mountains is the Zen you bring up there."

~ Robert M. Pirsig

(photo by Matt Brown)

Perhaps more for my reference than yours...

...because I can never seem to recall off the top of my head which live shows I've seen... Here are the artists I've been lucky enough to share a venue with....

- Bob Dylan -

My Best of: "Don't Think Twice, It's Alright"

- Paul McCartney -

My Best of: "Norwegian Wood" (Beatles)/"Maybe I'm Amazed" (solo)


- Neil Young - My Best of: "Harvest Moon"


- Tom Petty -
My Best of: "Wildflowers", "Have Love, Will Travel"


- Eric Clapton - My Best of: "Running on Faith"

- The Police -

My Best of: "De Do Do Do De Da Da Da"


- Fleetwood Mac -
My Best of: "Dreams"


- Aerosmith -
My Best of: "Sweet Emotion"

- Ben Harper -

My Best of: "Show Me a Little Shame"

- The Eagles -

My Best of: "Peaceful Easy Feeling"

-Ray Charles -
My Best of: "What'd I Say, Pt. 1"



- The Pretenders -
My Best of: "Don't Get Me Wrong"

- Weezer -

My Best of: "El Scorcho"

-Elvis Costello -My Best of: "Alison"

- Outkast -

My Best of: "The Way You Move"

- Violent Femmes - My Best of: "American Music"

- Dave Matthews Band -
My Best of: "Crash Into Me"

- Black Eyed Peas -

My Best of: "My Humps"

- Blink 182 - My Best of: "Dammit"

- Goldfinger -My Best of: "S.M.P."

- The Ruin - My Best of: "Drown"

...I can swear I am missing a few.....

Fate is Foretold

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

~ Eleanore Roosevelt

(art by Paul Sipio)

Direction? What Direction?

I am sort of all over the place these days. Applying for jobs I don't qualify for, attending appointments for five (different) doctors, dealing with delayed court dates for my ex-landlord's appeals case, painting my neverending walls, bill paying, laundry and dry cleaning... You name it. You never realize how busy you can make yourself - even without a job.

I've been so fortunate this summer. (You know, besides the not-having-to-work part)..... I've gotten a trip to Napa with the girls, a weekend up at Lake New Melones on Kristy's Fam's houseboat......... A POLICE concert. I think I've made out pretty well so far.

I spoke with my Guru today and was updating him on how my trip to the lake went, and how I applied for a job with HP that I was pretty excited about, that my dad is coming to Sacramento to look into a potential job (which could mean a possible move to the area...... which I'm trying not to get too excited about)... Told him about the blog I've started/continued, about painting my house..... And he made the keen observation that it seemed like my goals and/or focus are, well... "Scattered". And you know what? ~ He's not wrong.

I feel like I have a wide open book in front of me, whose pages can (and will) someday include a cooking class, the writing of a novel, a master's degree, a real estate license, a welding class, Europe, a property portfolio, Australia, free-lance photography, motherhood, a make up class, flipping a house, getting that HP job...... And perhaps most importantly: Finding my balance........... Finding my direction.

But as of right now, this moment - I feel like I am right where I need to be.

"Once you’ve felt what it means to love as you and I know it – the total passion for the total height – you’re incapable of anything less...."

"When you read a classic you do not see in the book more than you did before. You see more in you than there was before."

~ Clifton Fadiman

(Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead)

De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da... Is all I have to say to you...

I'm really not sure why, but for the past three nights I've attempted sleep at midnight or so, and ended up back out in the living room on this laptop. This is a really bad sleeping habit to get into.....

But since I'm up...

I'm feeling a lot better. My symptoms have subsided substantially. I'm actually functional again!

So functional, in fact, that after my doctor's appointment yesterday, I decided it would be a good idea to help Matt out and mow the lawn. Sounds like an easy enough task, no? ...Well factor in that it was 105* outside, that there are three major fires burning around Sacramento (with each and every one of them casting dense smoke into OUR air)... And the fact that it was my first time mowing a lawn. It didn't take me too long to realize what I had gotten myself into. ....I suppose this was a great lesson, though. ......Not only did I realize what hard work mowing a lawn is and how much I should appreciate that Matt does it... But it also helped me realize that lawn mowing is just not for me.

Kristy invited me up to her parents' house boat this weekend. And I must say, I am so looking forward to a weekend chalk full of wakeboards, Miami Vices, and relaxation. I am specifically excited about the fact that since another family is coming along, Kristy and my sleeping situation was relegated to the roof... There's nothing like sleeping under the stars!

Another development... It has been some time since I've been to a show... And if you know me at all, I tend to get antsy if I haven't seen one in a while. The last we saw was Ben Harper at the Greek in Berkley... In what was that ~ June of last year? Waaaaaay too long! ........Sooooo THE POLICE are in town!! With ELVIS COSTELLO opening!! ...Best part is that the venue is literally 40 minutes up this rural road from our house! It took a little prodding on my part to get Matt even a little excited about it. I persuaded him by blasting Police hits from iTunes on my laptop speakers. (I swear owned these tracks at one point, but have you ever tried to get all your music off one ipod to put on another? ....Long story short - I have basically lost all the music I pirated in college. Yeah. 350 f-ing songs....)

Anyway, I am really trying to make the most of my summer. And I feel that things are looking up.

Words to Live By...

"In this moment, this heartbeat, this breath, I'm okay. Everything's not all right, but I'm all right with everything. And when you surrender - That's where I live right now... in that serenity."

~ Wynona Judd

Quarter-Century Life Crisis

What a trying few days it's been. I set off on this jobless journey with the hope that all those mundain tasks... The ones you don't even want to look at, let alone think about after a long day at work, would finally be put to rest. Health was a consideration as well. For those that don't know... I'm currently in the process of finding the "right combination" of anti-depressants and mood-stabilizers to get me through a day. Seeing not only a psychologist (whom I lovingly refer to as My Guru), a psychiatrist (you know, to get the goods), and now a neurologist to try and straighten out why the eff I'm receiving RLS symptoms at 25 years of age.

Instead of it being a vacation of the mind, I am being whipped from office to office, not to mention experiencing withdrawal symptoms I never thought the human body was capable of.

And I'm sad to say that instead of it being this wonderful, "voluntary" vacation - it's become something I "needed" more than I knew. Here I am, income-less, paying $50 co-pays and time will only tell which eeg's and emg's and mri's won't be covered by my insurance. I'm more expensive unemployed than I was employed! (Matt will vouch for that).

It's really unusual for me to be so open about my health issues. Specifically my mental health issues. I (A) don't for a second want to defend what I know to be out of my hands to all the skeptics out there. I'm very well aware of what my life is like without meds. And my choice has obviously been made. And (B) all of this 'mental' crap is not something one can exactly be proud of. I never asked to be over-anxious or regularly irritable, or social-phobic. I certainly never asked to be put on this farris wheel of anti-depressant meds, only to find that the effects soon wain and I'm left back at square one.

For those that don't suffer from an illness, trust that I am tired of this revolving door. I'm exhausted, really. And I have only been fighting the good fight for seven months now. ...My family history tells me that this is going to be a life-long battle. And all the horrid forums I read tell me that not a single part of it will be easy.

I would like to wake up and roll out of bed without feeling like it'd take a forklift to get me to move. I want to drive from Point A to Point B without a vein popping out of my right temple lobe and wishing I owned a gun for that one asshole that decided he "owned the road". I want to react to Matt's apathy without taking it personally. I want it to take more than a second for me to go from euphorically happy to cynical and angry. I want I want I want right?

So this "vacation"... This haitus from adulthood. It' s been nice... But it would take some sort of super power I don't possess to have gone through this while employed. Somehow the stars aligned in my favor and I can experience my ups and downs in the comfort and privacy of my own home. I could do it without anyone knowing as well... But I'm learning to let go of the things I can't control, and that includes not being ashamed of this illness.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for those who might come across this battlefield one day... But all I can conjure up is "hold on tight".

Back to the Drawing Board

Sooo... I'm unemployed now. Did I mention that? ...Yeah, didn't think so.

My last day with Richmond American was on June 16th. Still haven't received my severance, but that is just part of what's become an interesting couple of weeks. It's quite the story! Complete with meds and jobless-ness and Napa trips. Yes yes, quite the story indeed. But I shall not bore you with too many details. :)

I just started doing the serious type of job hunting today. You know, the kind of job hunting where you actually save the posts you find interesting, instead of clicking off to fark and forgetting what it means to (as they call it) "make a living"... I found a few lucky prospects. I'll let you know how they turn out.

Napa was awesome! Picture 10 girls let loose in the vineyards! (I kid you not) ....The trip was affordable, since we were lucky enough to stay the night at Audrey's mom's house... But I did splurge on a $35 half-bottle of the most delicious cabernet concoction to have ever passed these lips (from St. Supery). We'll be saving that for a special occasion. I also acquired a boyfriend at St. Supery. His name was Chalo - and yes, a name like that can't not come with an accent, right? Anyway, it turns out that boyfriends in Napa come with perks, after paying for four tastings and receiving closer to 12. .....Don't worry though. I am still a happily married woman and Matt was the first (or 11th?) to hear about my extramarital affair with the wine-pourer named Chalo.

And last, I'm writing this post after a full day of debilitating withdrawal symptoms. I'm currently coming off my anti-depressant meds... Picture an electric shock machine hooked up to your insides... I like to call them "short circuits". And when I was actually on the medication, these were the medication's cute little way of saying "Hey! You forgot to take me!"... Now that I'm titrating down/off, these short circuits have lost all cute-ness and have become more frequent and frankly more exhausting! People are saying that maybe I came off the medication too fast, to which I respond - "You think?!"... They proceed to encourage me to continue with the smaller quantities, but if you think for a second that I'm putting that crap back in my system - then I contend you're the crazy one. Not me.

So there's my few weeks in a nutshell/wine bottle/capsule. And I already feel better just telling you about it. So thanks for listening. ...More to come.

xoxo

No Less Than the Trees and the Stars...

"You are a child of the universe.
No less than the trees and the stars, you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

~ Les Crane

(art by Pablo Picasso)

Still Lost....

It doesn't take much. Just a simple thought...
And the sadness washes over me like a tidal wave.

There's this knot in my chest. My heart physically hurts.
Just in knowing that I've lost you. Just in knowing that you're gone.

I am so thankful that you're no longer suffering.
That you're resting. That you're at peace.
I am so thankful that I knew you at all.

I'm just still so caught off guard by the pain.
And the tears won't stop. They won't go away.
this knot in my chest. These thoughts in my head.

I miss you. I mourn my loss.... My largest to date.

I just hope that my love transcends life's boundaries.
And I hope you're watching over me.

I hope that some day my heart will heal.
And that I can carry your memory without this knot.