Quarter-Century Life Crisis

What a trying few days it's been. I set off on this jobless journey with the hope that all those mundain tasks... The ones you don't even want to look at, let alone think about after a long day at work, would finally be put to rest. Health was a consideration as well. For those that don't know... I'm currently in the process of finding the "right combination" of anti-depressants and mood-stabilizers to get me through a day. Seeing not only a psychologist (whom I lovingly refer to as My Guru), a psychiatrist (you know, to get the goods), and now a neurologist to try and straighten out why the eff I'm receiving RLS symptoms at 25 years of age.

Instead of it being a vacation of the mind, I am being whipped from office to office, not to mention experiencing withdrawal symptoms I never thought the human body was capable of.

And I'm sad to say that instead of it being this wonderful, "voluntary" vacation - it's become something I "needed" more than I knew. Here I am, income-less, paying $50 co-pays and time will only tell which eeg's and emg's and mri's won't be covered by my insurance. I'm more expensive unemployed than I was employed! (Matt will vouch for that).

It's really unusual for me to be so open about my health issues. Specifically my mental health issues. I (A) don't for a second want to defend what I know to be out of my hands to all the skeptics out there. I'm very well aware of what my life is like without meds. And my choice has obviously been made. And (B) all of this 'mental' crap is not something one can exactly be proud of. I never asked to be over-anxious or regularly irritable, or social-phobic. I certainly never asked to be put on this farris wheel of anti-depressant meds, only to find that the effects soon wain and I'm left back at square one.

For those that don't suffer from an illness, trust that I am tired of this revolving door. I'm exhausted, really. And I have only been fighting the good fight for seven months now. ...My family history tells me that this is going to be a life-long battle. And all the horrid forums I read tell me that not a single part of it will be easy.

I would like to wake up and roll out of bed without feeling like it'd take a forklift to get me to move. I want to drive from Point A to Point B without a vein popping out of my right temple lobe and wishing I owned a gun for that one asshole that decided he "owned the road". I want to react to Matt's apathy without taking it personally. I want it to take more than a second for me to go from euphorically happy to cynical and angry. I want I want I want right?

So this "vacation"... This haitus from adulthood. It' s been nice... But it would take some sort of super power I don't possess to have gone through this while employed. Somehow the stars aligned in my favor and I can experience my ups and downs in the comfort and privacy of my own home. I could do it without anyone knowing as well... But I'm learning to let go of the things I can't control, and that includes not being ashamed of this illness.

I wish I had some words of wisdom for those who might come across this battlefield one day... But all I can conjure up is "hold on tight".